Proposal words that work

Posted by Jon
So enough of sales for a moment: what about other types of proposal? Consider the following, if you will:

“Hola! You’re very pretty! God, I realy luv beautiful hot cuties like u!”

An amusing study at dating site “OK Cupid” has analysed the language used by their members when first making contact with someone new, and found that certain phrases have a marked impact on the reply rates. The sentence in brackets above (“Hola…”) breaks about ten of their rules; the site would suggest something like the following (with 24 of their recommended phrases in bold):

How’s it going?
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Your profile is really fascinating. I noticed that you mention pretty much all of the things I enjoy. That’s awesome! It’s nice that you love literature and movies; LOL I’m curious what your favourites might be, although I’m guessing that you have good taste.
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PS I’d like to apologise for the fact I’m a bit of an awkward atheist. Sorry! But I am a vegetarian, and I did get some tattoos when I was in a metal band whilst studying physics at grad school, ha ha!

OK, maybe not… But it’s an interesting article nonetheless, and did make me reflect on the language used in sales proposals. (See, the post’s relevant after all!). Here are just a few of the phrases from the report that suggest that successful proposals of any sort have some underlying similarities:

• Netspeak, bad grammar, and bad spelling are huge turn-offs. (But hey, we don’t need trained proofreaders to check our sales proposals, do we??)
• People normally like compliments, but when they’re used as pick-up lines, before you’ve even met in person, they inevitably feel…ew. (“You’re such a wonderful organisation, and we’d love to work with you on this truly exciting project…”?)
• The way you choose to start your initial message to someone is the “first impression of your first impression.” (See various entries here on Executive Summaries!)
• Even more effective are phrases that engage the reader’s own interests, or show you’ve read their profile. (Profile = RFP!)
• Be careful not to let the appearance of vulnerability become the appearance of sweaty desperation: please is on the negative list (“Thank you so much for inviting us to bid for this contract…”?)

​I wonder if proposal folks are particularly skilled at dating?!